Do you ever feel like you are being watched as you walk alone on campus? As that strange feeling of not being alone runs down your spine and you begin to walk faster, what goes through your head? Are you worried that, perhaps, a squirrel has been pursuing you all the way from Neville to GDH? If you don’t have this fear already, you should.
Irrational fear, you say? Allow me to hit you with some facts that I have fabricated just for this exciting announcement. The number of squirrels on PC’s campus already outnumbers students at a three to one ratio. A pecking order also exists amongst several species of animals on campus with the geese at the top, followed by the ducks, and the squirrel soldiers bringing up the rear. In command of the entire operation, is Queen Goose. You should be able to recognize the Queen, as she is the only white goose regularly seen on campus. Avoid her at all costs; confrontations could result in severe embarrassment as she circles around you and quacks wildly.
While this legion of animals is always up to something, whether it be leaving “landmines” all over the sidewalk past GDH or rustling some bushes right as you pass by, I feel that bigger plans are being put into action as we attend classes everyday. I have been observing these creatures for several weeks now and have started to notice some patterns in their behavior. Every day, shortly after the sun passes its highpoint, the geese begin to slowly disappear. Where do they go? I must assume that they retreat to their secret base to meet with the squirrel soldiers and converse with their fellow fowl. Once late afternoon rolls around, you can witness the ducks practicing their dive bombing attacks, crashing into the pond at a high velocity and striking fear into the hearts of many a student. When darkness falls, the animals retreat into the shadows to await their next victim.
You may also be wondering why this seemingly priceless, lifesaving information is just now being brought to your attention. You see, in my many years at this school I have never witnessed the animals acting in the manner that they do now. It would appear that something has changed on campus to cause such strange and suspicious behavior. What could this change have been? I have but one theory. Due to the increasing number of cats on campus, and their skunk allies, the geese, ducks, and squirrels have been forced to band together. Not only have they joined forces to defend themselves from their feline foes, but also to defend their lake from any future attacks. Be careful, students, as any misstep near the pond could be interpreted as an act of aggression which will have a flock of geese on you quicker than you can say “algae”.
So I leave you with some parting advice to keep you safe, readers. Step one: do not make eye contact with the geese or ducks! Once they see into your soul, you will find great difficulty ever sleeping again. Step two: do not attempt to harm any of these animals, as it is best for us to leave them be, because we would not be able to defend ourselves should a full-fledged assault take place. And step three: tread lightly. You don’t want to return to your dorm room and find that the bottom of your shoes are covered in…. well, you know.